Peer Review

Sarah

This is Onix, she's just like any other 8 year old.

She goes to school, does her homework, and talks to her friends at recess.

But there's something that nobody at school knows about Onix.

Onix doesn't have a very good home life…

Her dad doesn't hardly ever comes home on time, and when he does...

he's always yelling at her, her mom, brother and sister. (maybe make this line a bit simpler. Something like “He’s always yelling at her and her family”)

Onix has also seen her (him) hit her mom and sister many times.

She always tried to stop him, but never could (be)cause he was stronger.

Onix's mom was always working and (is/was) hardly ever home as well.

So her sister would take care of her and her brother.

But then eventually, her sister moved out on her own. (her sister got older and had to leave?)

So then Onix's grandma started watching them.

Her grandma is the coolest grandma in the world.

She would play video games with her and her brother.

Watch TV with them.

Watch movies with them.

Show them how she makes their food.

Draw with them.

And take them out to the Library and park.

Onix's grandma was always there for her and her siblings when they needed her.

Whenever Onix was sad, her grandma would always make her happy again.

Her grandma made her happier than anyone else in the world.

Now Onix is 18, and her grandma is 85 years old.

She sometimes has trouble remembering things.

But even though she doesn't always remember...

Onix always will.

It is a great story, I really like how you ended it. A suggestion I have is to fix the tense of the story, It starts out present tense and then wanders a bit. I love the name Onix, its unique and creative. Not many kids that age know that kind of stuff happens, so I think the goal of the story is good and can be very enlightening.

Amber

The town of Rainbow Rivers was a busy, and bustling (not sure second graders will know what bustling means, maybe find another word?) community.

The residents of the town were all very happy, and proud of what their town had become, but today would change their lives forever.

It had started like every other. Scarlet was a very proud young girl who always wore a shade a of red. She went to Crayolas School of Art like all the other little crayon children.  Her best friend was Dandelion and they would make beautiful orange paintings together.

Forest and Violet loved having art class together cause they could make amazing  ocean tides.

Their teachers were always so impressed with the four students group work because the finished product would always be a masterpiece.

It was a nice sunny day in late August, and the bell to dismiss class buzzed. (maybe simplify this statement. “The final bell rang”?) Scarlet, Dandelion, Forest, and Violet all started to walk home together.

All of a sudden the sky went dark, and when the Sky became bright again Scarlet was missing.

Dandelion, Forest, and Violet  all panic and run all the way home. The yell as the go " Help Scarlet Has disappeared!"

Their cry alerts the whole town, and search parties begin to form to find the little lost crayon. They look far and wide but cant find the missing crayon.

Hours go by and the sky goes dark again and Scarlet appears in the same place she disappeared. She was injured, and had a hurt tip.  the town tries to get information out of her but she is to shaken up to say anything.

The next day Dandelion disappears, and then Forest, and Violet go missing. They return hours later in the same condition that Scarlet had been in.

The town of Rainbow Rivers turns upside down in fear of who will be the next crayon to go missing! Some crayons are taken more than once, and others are never taken(at all?).

One day Peach, a friend of Scarlet’s and the others,(another friend?) is taken, but she is brave, and strong, and she figures out what is really going on.

She explains to the town that they are all crayons and that their  beloved town of Rainbow Rivers was really a crayon box, and that they are all crayons. She also explained that their only job was to be used  by a child to color a picture.

They realized then that being a crayon was actually their responsibility and that being a crayon was a honor because they got to make a child happy.

They didn't even mind that when they got home from a day of coloring with a child that their pointy heads weren't as pointy as before.

Warning if you don't color with your crayons nicely they might become mad, and protest.

I plan to use computer pictures mixed together, and I plan to do it by myself.

My only suggestion is to simplify it a bit, keep in mind that you are writing for second graders. I like the story, especially the line “They didn't even mind that when they got home from a day of coloring with a child that their pointy heads weren't as pointy as before.”